Some Quick Fire Updates

CAR: The woman who hit my car lied about all the information she gave—-her name, her address, her phone, her insurance. There appears to be no trace of the real here. Obviously I keep my eyes peeled for the white Chevy Blazer she hit me with but given her criminal leanings (apparently it’s a crime here to leave the scene before the police is more than $1000 damage is done—-she did over $13000 damage to my car), everyone seems to expect she’s quite the expert at this kind of thing. I wrote up everything and sent it to the police. Everyone told me not to bother, that they wouldn’t do anything. It appears they might be right; I didn’t even get a courtesy “thanks for contacting us” acknowledgment. Very depressing. To me and I’m sure to the woman she’s posing as. Guess the police have more important things to be doing…like arresting university students for public urination. However, my insurance did give me a fair price for my car (which is now at the salvage yard) and within three weeks I found a new one to buy. It’s a 2008, low mileage, good nick. It’s not as good of a quality as the one she totaled but I feel okay about it and glad that’s it over. I do feel slightly cautious while driving (I get quite nervous if I’m stopped and see someone approaching from behind) but hopefully that will lessen with time.

CATS: My two new cats are settled in. They don’t hide anymore and sleep on the bed with me. I like having company but I do not love them. I am not their mommy and they are not my babies. I miss that feeling. The girl cat seems to throw up a lot—-she only lets me brush her for a minute before moving away. I don’t know if it’s hairballs or still stress from the change. I’m not sure when I should take her in, but I am getting tired of having to wash my duvet cover everyday.

WORK: Work is alright. I am good at this job but I don’t enjoy it. I don’t like doing three jobs at once, but I do like the money, though I have no idea for what I am saving up. But it’s good to save up. I take some pleasure in that. I will be glad when this semester is over—my spring schedule is slightly more under control (though I may teach one class at my other university. $5000 for one class—it’s hard to pass up that money). Students are driving me crazy with their unwillingness to take any responsibility. I have also been taking a course on being an online teacher. I suppose it’s the wave of the future, and it’s good to have on my cv, but I’m not convinced I’d be great at it. I like my office mate.

HEALTH: I am still compiling my list of things to ask the doctor about. I’ve purchased some extra insurance ($5000 booby prize if I get cancer) but it doesn’t go into effect until January 1 so I’m going to hold off on my doctor’s appointment til then (last year’s cancer scare was only resolved with “I don’t know exactly what it is but it’s not bad enough to warrant anything else right now; come back in a year” so I might as well wait. Mr Long Term was diagnosed with a skin cancer. This was very scary. He had some surgery and should be fine now. But it’s always weird when it comes close to home. My newest complaint is that occasionally a place on my foot gets hot like it’s burning (at first I kept thinking my computer was overheating at work and that’s what I was feeling through my shoe). Apparently there is a syndrome called “Burning Feet” but that seems to be more consistently hot. One day they’ll name a disease after me which has seemingly unrelated, minor symptoms which most people would excuse as hypochondria and/or the result of stress. In the future, when people get my symptoms, it’ll all seem so obvious and they’ll think back to the poor woman it was name after and feel amazed that the world was so ignorant to not have recognized their meaning.

HOUSE: Four roses have bloomed in the last week. Odd as we’ve already had below 0C/32F weather. I am glad to come back to my house at night but it doesn’t feel like home.

HEAD AND HEART: No quick ones possible here.

SOMETHING FOR FUN: You can make word art out of any text or webpage by goingto          www.wordle.net. It takes the most frequently used words and builds a picture—you can choose colours, fonts, etc. Here’s one for this page: hmmm….wonder what my issues are?

A Cosmic Joke

Really sometimes I think that if my life were a novel, the writer’s editor would say at the first draft, “Now come on, no one is going to believe all this happened to the main character in the space of a year.” I also feel like the more I try, the more things go wrong–not because I really believe that there’s some cosmic joke on me, but just because, as they say, shit happens. But it does seem like it’s happening quite a lot.

The morning I was going to call the Humane Society about the kit who wasn’t getting better, one of the other ones had really goopy eyes so I made an appointment to take them all in to get checked out. They were really pleased with the progress of the two buff kittens but decided to keep the two poorly ones. This was on Wednesday. It was raining Wednesday and continued to rain until Friday. We were on a flood warning but it was just really hard rain. I was feeling rather poorly myself with a three day migraine. When I left work on Friday, I was so glad it was the weekend and also very glad I had no school work (especially as I’m collecting essays on Monday and will be grading heavily again). I decided to stop in to the Humane Society to check on the kits. Unfortunately they had both died that morning. It was sad, not in the same way as when my dog died, but still sad and odd that just two days before they had been living with me. They only lived six weeks and I am glad I made the last two weeks of their lives nicer, with a home and food and love. It was still sad to me, already sad about life in general.

I drove home and as I was waiting to turn left into my driveway, a woman in a Chevy Blazer rammed into the back of my car. I have never been in an accident before. My car is fucked up and I banged my head on the head rest. I got out of the car and was all shaky and weak. The woman had two kids in the car with her. She immediately seemed dodgy to me as the first thing she said was that her brakes hadn’t worked and then she said someone had hit her and pushed her into me. The back of my car is totally smashed—-it was hit with some pretty heavy force. She said we didn’t need to call the police if no one was hurt but I felt we should (it said to on the back of my insurance card) plus if another car was involved, they should know. So we exchanged insurance info and she told me to call the police if I wanted to. I did. They came and basically said to just call my insurance company. I did and I have to take the car into the shop on Monday though the claims woman told me there may be a chance it can’t be fixed and will be considered totaled. I can’t believe that at three o’clock I had a car, and at four o’clock I didn’t. Mr Long Term Ex has said I can borrow his (since I need it to move back and forth at my jobs whereas he can just walk to work) but the truth is I feel a bit nervous of driving now and his car is much bigger than mine was. Anyway I can’t make any decisions until Monday afternoon when I hear from the shop so I’ve just been trying not to think about it. I went out earlier to get something from my garage (I’ve had to park in there as the back’s so smashed the boot won’t close) and when I saw it, I just started crying. All Friday night I felt a bit beat up and very sore all over my body. Today I’ve just been sore in my neck (a different kind of pain from the fibro pain) and had a bad headache earlier. The headache’s gone but my neck’s still sore. I may not do my online job tomorrow—I put out a request for cover but haven’t gotten any yet. I’m just going to wait to see how I feel and either work it or not, I don’t care much.

The remaining two kittens went back to the Humane Society today. It felt weird as the people who were there yesterday weren’t there so even though I had explained I was bringing them back, the woman seemed a bit annoyed by it. This evening I got the two older cats. Firstly they are beautiful. One is a grey Siamese and the other just has the prettiest markings. They seem so big compared to the kittens. The woman who brought them has had them since they were babies. She didn’t explain why she could no longer keep them but she was crying as she said goodbye and it made me and Mr LTE cry as well. The girl cat immediately squeezed herself under a little table and has been there all night. The boy cat is just roaming around meowing. It’s weird. I’m glad I’m helping them stay together and I’m sure it will just take time for the three of us to feel at home with each other. But it’s just another change and I’m sick of change.

It just seems like every day more and more happens to me that makes me feel distanced from myself, from me, from what my life really is. Except this really is my life.

Some Things Change, Some Don’t

Bit of an odd few weeks.

The weekend after my birthday, which I thought would be spent grading papers, was actually spent getting two birthday surprises: my mom and step dad for dinner on Friday and hanging out on Saturday and then Saturday night my dad, his partner, my sister, her partner, and three of my old friends (kind of). It was all arranged by Mr Long Term Ex. It was thoughtful and nice but also odd. I’m not a surprise person and even though it was lovely seeing people and everyone got on fine, even better than fine, I can’t help but feel strange that he thought it was a good idea to take control of my birthday like that. Apparently it was planned even before we left the old house. As I said, it was really lovely but he sure took a chance. What would have happened had I decided I never wanted to see him again? Why was he so confident I wouldn’t decide that after all that has happened?

Another surprise that weekend was the Humane Society had a few underweight kittens that needed looking after for a couple weeks. I went to get them but ended up coming home with four in total: all were underweight but two also had colds. This was on Sunday; by Wednesday they had to go to the vet’s as they all had colds and now need two types of meds twice a day. They are a lot of work but, of course, very sweet. It’s been a week and a half now and three of them seem to be getting better. One, though, doesn’t and it’s really upsetting me. I don’t think I can keep them much longer as I think I’m going to adopt two older cats from another shelter, and I was really hoping I could have helped them all get healthy enough to get fixed and adopted. But what’s really worrying me about the poorly one is that I haven’t seen him eat in the last few days. Of course he might be eating when I’m not here or at night, but in all honesty it’s reminding me of when my dog died (she stopped eating) and having pets again was supposed to make me feel nice, not remind me of the worst day of my life. I’m going to call again tomorrow to see if I should be doing something else.

Part of what is upsetting me about both the birthday stuff and the cat business is that although they are both nice things, I can’t enjoy them. I don’t seem to enjoy anything anymore.

I don’t know if I should keep this doing this blog. I wish I had something more to say.

No One Else to Tell

Hands up, I’m going to abuse this blog.

I am feeling very panicky. Tonight I looked at some pictures of my dog, of my house in England, of Mr Intense. I thought that’s what my life used to be. I don’t have any of that anymore. I can’t deal with it. Fuck me, I’m trying. But I just can’t.

I’ve had meetings all week. I have graded one class of papers but have seventy more papers left to go. I get up and go to work. I come home and faff about and go to bed. I get up and go to work. I come home and  faff about and go to bed. And what’s worse is that all week I’ve had to talk to various family members and pretend that everything’s okay.

It’s not okay. It’s not okay.

My First Senior Moment?

After much anxiety and a crap sleep last night, I dragged myself out of bed for my 8.30 dentist appointment. Apparently my appointment was actually 8.00 so it was all for nought. I now have to do it all again next Tuesday.

I was really embarrassed as this is so not like me. Maybe my forty year old self won’t be as organized as my younger one?

If Only My Birthday Were My Excuse for Being Melancholy

By now you must have realised that I am a bit of a “downer” person. It’s very hard for me to see the positive in things that pertain to my own life. This is not my favourite aspect of my personality, but I at this moment in time I feel powerless to change it so I am just trying to acknowledge it.

So I’d love to pretend that it’s the pending anniversary of my birth which is causing me to reflect on my life. But it’s not. Alas, I have spent all of the entire last year, reflecting and not feeling very cheerful about what I see. Sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to just pretend to be happy: is there a way to trick my mind into being positive and cheerful? Perhaps I should consult Derren Brown on this matter. Although part of me does think that this pessimism is simply part of me, part of who I am as a person. Not the whole of course, but given my circumstances, being a downer is who I am right now and I might be better off trying to ride through it rather than force myself to change it.

I have tried to live my life as best I could. I know I have made mistakes but have always tried to approach them as life lessons that shape who I am. However, what has happened in the last year feels like regret and this is a new feeling. I don’t like it. I didn’t want to have regrets and it makes me sad that as I do approach this milestone, I’ve got one now. How do you turn regret into something else? I wish I knew.

Mid Week Music 16 September 2009

I am trying to do my best not to think.

Here’s a video from a guy I think is the definition of cool.

The fact that he also did this with some children in Paris makes him even more cool in my mind.

One Week Left of Being in My Thirties

I was never one to be obsessed about age—-it’s just a number, you’re as old as you feel, that kind of crap.

And to be honest, in some ways, it’s not my pending birthday that’s upsetting me. I am absolutely aware that there will be no difference between the me of next Monday night and the me of Tuesday morning.

Yet, the fortieth is bothering me for two reasons:

1. Because other people see forty as old. And they tell me that. I suppose I’ve been blessed in the past as I’m rather “young looking,” so people have always assumed I’m younger than I am. But in the last year (since being back in America—-which may or may not be a coincidence), younger people seem to tell me (directly or indirectly) that I’m old. In fact even my doctor told me that when she made me get all these tests simply because of my age. The fact that I have also lost two relationships in the last few years makes the reality that I’m now seen as an “older” woman depresses me. (Hands up, Mr Intense Ex was slightly younger than me and has replaced me with an even younger woman.) The fact that I have also lost my dog, which is probably the closest I’ll come to feeling like a mother, also makes me feel old. I know women after forty can have children…I know Courtney Cox says “Forty is the new thirty”…but you know what, thinking of having to say “I’m forty” to someone just makes me feel old.

2. However, I do think number 1 would bother me a lot less if I didn’t have number 2 which is just the fact that I am unhappy with my life. I didn’t have big plans for what I wanted to be when I was 40. But you know what, I didn’t want to be this, here, how and what my life is now.

If “you’re only as old as you feel” is true, the problem is I feel old. In the last year, I have aged so much. I can see it on my face, in my eyes, when I look in the mirror. In fact, I feel older than forty. I just feel old. I feel it today when I’m still “only” 39. I guess that’s what is really bothering me. I know tons of men and women in their forties, fifties and even sixties who are not “past it,” who are sexy and interesting and fun. The problem is I’m not those things right now. It has nothing to do with my age, it has to do with my situation and my state of mind. I’m not sure how to change my situation or state of mind right now, but I can’t imagine that seeing forty candles next week is going to help much.

I am feeling sorry for myself again, I know. I need to get a grip because I have no doubt next week, I will have to deal with at least one “40th birthday” gag, undoubtedly from my mother. Ha, fucking, ha.

Mid Week Music 9 September 2009

I happened upon this video on a blog (thank you random arrow on WordPress) and really dug it. I think the sixties vibe of both the song and the images are great. I guess I have a thing for that style.

NOTE: Being extremely not-savvy computer-wise, I don’t know how to deal with this embedded business so just click through to YouTube to see it. It’s definitely worth it (I humbly think).

I still am finding listening to music a bit troubling—-as a writer, I’ve always been most interested in lyrics, but they’re still making me feel quite sad. So I’ve been trying to focus on the sounds more. I just can’t be singing along with “life is great because I’m in love with you” songs when my heart feels so dead.

Feeling a Bit Disillusioned

First off, I know forty is just a number but come on, I’m only a few weeks away and I feel like my body’s falling apart. I am having serious issues with my right hand—-it’s so painful and weak. It really makes me feel feeble. I literally couldn’t open the tins to make chili last night. Next thing you know, I’ll be modeling in one of these catalogs. Yikes! I am going to see about going to the doctor next week if it doesn’t improve. I have made a real effort to rest (no Solitaire on the iPod and no Mah Jongg on the computer, etc) but have you ever tried to go very long without using your right hand? It doesn’t really work.

Secondly, I have to say the whole thing last week about Obama’s speech to schools made me feel so embarrassed. I know that when there’s a big change (and Obama was a big change in a lot of ways), there’s always going to be backlash. But I felt so embarrassed that people chose this particular issue to backlash against. Come on, people, get a grip. If you don’t mind being brainwashed, you can read his speech (which was released today so the indoctrination claims came before they had even seen the speech) here.

Despite the fact that it’s Labor Day today, I had to get up for work at one of my colleges so I think I am heading off for a nap to celebrate my afternoon off.