An Up and a Down

Over Thanksgiving Break, I went on a bit of a submission splurge. Primarily because it means I will get some post (though they will probably be rejections—but post is post, and I love getting it.) I submitted to a few places online: the good part of submitting online is the quick turn around, the bad part is the quick turn around. Three days later I had my first rejection, five days later my second. However, this morning I got an acceptance. Two poems! Woo hoo!

As always, though, crap came up and stomped on the goodness. I got an email from the university where I teach part time saying they can’t give me a class next semester. This is due to “a significant and unparalleled decrease in enrollment” in the course I teach. I suppose that may be, but I imagine it’s also somewhat connected to our Governor’s announcement last Friday afternoon that he was cutting a bajillion dollars from the state’s higher education support. It does seem a bit of a coincidence that last month it seemed to be no problem to give me one class and four days after the Governor’s announcement, there’s no class available. In some ways it’s not a big deal–it will make my semester a thousand times easier in terms of my day-to-day schedule (only one nine hour day a week). However, I am disappointed for three reasons: first and foremost, I wanted the money. I know I am so lucky that I can afford to not teach there (which the university knows and may be why I was first on the chopping block). It’s not a lot of money but it is good money for the amount of work. I am also disappointed as it was a great university to be associated with and it’s unlikely I’ll teach there again. Lastly, it seems weird to me that I was just in my office yesterday and in one week that will no longer be my office. It’s not a big thing—it’s not like I had much in there or felt like it was “my space.” But I was just thinking on the way home that I’ll need to tell my students that if they want their papers back after Christmas, they’ll have to go to that office when someone else is there. It’s just weird and disappointing. However, I will try to focus on the good that (if all goes well) my spring semester should be fairly normal for a community college and perhaps I can feel better about having gotten this full time job. I still intend to do part time tutoring and I suppose I could consider trying to increase those hours if I fancy it. But maybe I should just concentrate on using that little bit of extra time to write or look after myself or try to sort my future.

It’s miserably raining. I am a bit worried it will freeze overnight. Monday morning we had our first snowfall—it was hardly anything but I guess what happened is that it rained, froze, and then snowed. When I got up my entire road was blocked with traffic as someone had slid off of it. By the time I left the cops had shown up so I had to go the wrong way and I could just see that the road was a sheet of ice. The radio said there were 40-50 accidents reported, primarily just people sliding off the road or into something. It ended up taking me 30 minutes to get to work (normally takes 10). By the time I walked into class at 7.55, I was so tense and stressed that it seemed like my day should be ending, not beginning. Luckily it was all gone by the time I left to go to my other job. But I don’t want a repeat of that tomorrow morning. I guess I should just be pleased that I only have two more early mornings (the class I am no longer teaching next semester would have started at 8 as well). The weather report said the bad weather was supposed to back tomorrow night. Let’s hope tonight’s weather was just a fluke.

Eight Years Ago

I married Mr Long Term Ex with plans to move to England eight months later. It was all I wanted. Seems strange that I’ve ended up here.

Mid Week Music 2 December 2009

How exciting is this? I’ve actually got some new music to share with you.

Beck is a personal favourite of mine. I think he’s weird in a good way (though I don’t love the whole Scientology biz). A long time ago when I was in a bad place, I decided to go see Beck. I went on my own and actually got to meet him afterwards. It was a very good experience. I like to play his music to remind me of that time.

Almost the End of Break

Overall, I suppose this time off has been okay. I was very productive the first couple of days and got done almost all I wanted to do this holiday. Unfortunately on Thanksgiving Day, I started to feel poorly which has lasted until today. This has meant a lot of sleeping, which hasn’t really been productive, but at least it was apparently what I needed. I’ve got tomorrow though I do have to work in the afternoon. I am supposed to turn in my schedule for tutoring by Monday and I’m really torn on what to do; however, I know that I will end up scheduling myself again. I suppose I’m going to try to only work three hours on Sunday and see if I can get away with that (I think technically the minimum is five hours but if I book myself in for three perhaps they’ll just leave it).

I am making myself a big pot of soup to freeze so I’ll have some decent meals. I only have three weeks left of work (two at one university) but they’ll be shit probably so it’ll be good to have some food already made. I did almost all my Christmas shopping online in the past two days so that’s also done. Anyway, I thought I’d share my soup recipe because it’s very nice and filling. I can’t remember where I found it and I’ve kind of altered it along the way. Here it is:

ALFRED STREET SOUP

Saute some garlic in oil. Add 1 can of chickpeas, some spinach, 1 tin of crushed tomatoes, and some vegetable stock. Cook it for a while. Add some pasta. Cook til the pasta’s done and then puree everything. It’s not the prettiest soup and the ingredients can be changed whether you want it thicker (less stock) or soupier (more stock). But it’s delicious.

PS: Even though I miss this greatly, I feel it’s probably inappropriate to ask for it for Christmas.

 

Day One of Holiday Was Pretty Productive

After a very bad night’s sleep, my not–setting–the–alarm–so–I–could–sleep–in–as–late–as–I–wanted plan did me no good when I woke up at 8.45. However, I have had a very productive day. I managed to get a few little jobs done around the house, did some boring work-related tasks and have spent the last four hours submitting some of my writing and doing some promotional stuff for my other project. All in all, very productive without feeling too exhausted. Nice.

So here’s something to make you all feel nice:

Five and a Half Days With No Work

I’m not a hundred per cent what I’ll do with myself. I do have some school work I’d like to do (preparing for next semester), and I might put some things on eBay. I’m an annoying cow really—-I can’t stand when I have too much to do but I’m shite at not having a schedule as well.

Today was Mr Intense Ex’s birthday. It makes me sad that things have gone how they have. I suppose the fact that he’s treated me like this should give me some insight into the fact that we were never right for each other. Still. It was once so nice.

The big exciting start to the holiday starts with…an early night. It’s 21.27 and I’m going to bed. God, is it being forty or just being me that makes me so dull?

Start of the Week Music 23 November 2009

Okay, I confess. This semester has really had me muddled. I kept insisting that, as soon as I conquered this pile of grading, I was going to get back on track with everything else in my life. Basically, I’ve said that each week and have yet to do it. So I’m not going to promise I’ll be completely sorted until after the semester ends. That said, I have literally just finished my stack of grading. I only work tomorrow afternoon and then have six days completely off work (well, I’ve got to work four hours on the sixth day, but…it’s close enough). That’s not to say that I have no work to do—-but the main thing is I’ll have no grading to do.

So I’ve decided to post a music entry. I listen to the classic rock station in the car (the expensive iPod thing I got for the car and lent to Mr Long Term Ex immediately after buying doesn’t work, but he didn’t tell me this until the 30 day No Hassle Return period had passed). So essentially I listen to the radio for probably about an hour a day. Two things strike me as kind of odd. First off, they play Gary Glitter all the time. At first, I thought, well, maybe he didn’t get much coverage over here. But one time, after the song, the DJ came on and said, “Well, that was Gary Glitter who’s had a bit of trouble from the police.” A bit of trouble? It seems weird to me; it’s not like Americans are casual about pedophilia. I guess the fact that he made a song that gets crowds riled at sports events is more important. In fact, every morning when the DJ is announcing the high school sports scores, he plays “Rock n Roll Part 2″ in the background. It’s kind of sick if you think about it.

The other thing I’ve noticed is that at least once a week, they play the song “Along Again Naturally.” This also seems a bit strange to me. If you really listen to the lyrics, it is an incredibly depressing song. Basically he’s talking about wanting to commit suicide, his parents’ deaths, it’s really pretty tragic. But there’s also something about the tune, which makes it….not cheerful…but at least not quite so tragic. Here you go—have a listen, I’m sure I’ll have to at some point in the car this week.

Sorry, A Bit Low–Baths on Sunday Nights Seem to Do This to Me

I seem to not be able to take a bath anymore. I suppose it’s because I’m just there, facing a blank wall with nothing to distract myself from the reality that this is now my life. It’s a shame because I used to love taking a bath. Now I can’t without ending up in tears.

What’s hard is that it is so clear to me that coming back to America was the worst decision I have made in my life. It’s also a decision that feels irreversible. It’s crushing me. I don’t understand how anyone can see it differently. My health is worse, I have dramatically aged particularly in my face, I find so little joy in life. I know I have a decent paying job but is that all life’s about? I feel like those who can’t recognize this mistake are more interested in how my moving back has benefited their lives. Or they don’t seem to care. But what’s most sad to me is that I really don’t see how to remedy it. I know people say life is what we make it. I also know people have survived truly horrible things and can go on to thrive. I am ashamed that I just don’t know where to start.

This is not what a woman should be thinking as she takes her bath before bed on a Sunday night.

Cary Grant, George Clooney

Tonight I saw The Men Who Stare At Goats. It was brilliant.

Jeff Bridges was great. Ewan McGregor was good—-perfect given his previous role (extra humor snuck in there). But George Clooney was brilliant. I’ve not really seen him in a lot of movies (though I used to love him on ER), but he’s always seemed to me to be a real classic movie star. There’s just something about him—-it’s kind of cheesy but he’s suave and debonair, just like one of my favourite actors of all time, Cary Grant.

Sure, there are plenty of good actors out there. But there’s something special about these two. They’re the kind of dashing heroes the girls (including me) dream about.

I’ll go watch another Clooney movie. You go watch His Girl Friday or Charade. Deal?

Some Quick Fire Updates

CAR: The woman who hit my car lied about all the information she gave—-her name, her address, her phone, her insurance. There appears to be no trace of the real here. Obviously I keep my eyes peeled for the white Chevy Blazer she hit me with but given her criminal leanings (apparently it’s a crime here to leave the scene before the police is more than $1000 damage is done—-she did over $13000 damage to my car), everyone seems to expect she’s quite the expert at this kind of thing. I wrote up everything and sent it to the police. Everyone told me not to bother, that they wouldn’t do anything. It appears they might be right; I didn’t even get a courtesy “thanks for contacting us” acknowledgment. Very depressing. To me and I’m sure to the woman she’s posing as. Guess the police have more important things to be doing…like arresting university students for public urination. However, my insurance did give me a fair price for my car (which is now at the salvage yard) and within three weeks I found a new one to buy. It’s a 2008, low mileage, good nick. It’s not as good of a quality as the one she totaled but I feel okay about it and glad that’s it over. I do feel slightly cautious while driving (I get quite nervous if I’m stopped and see someone approaching from behind) but hopefully that will lessen with time.

CATS: My two new cats are settled in. They don’t hide anymore and sleep on the bed with me. I like having company but I do not love them. I am not their mommy and they are not my babies. I miss that feeling. The girl cat seems to throw up a lot—-she only lets me brush her for a minute before moving away. I don’t know if it’s hairballs or still stress from the change. I’m not sure when I should take her in, but I am getting tired of having to wash my duvet cover everyday.

WORK: Work is alright. I am good at this job but I don’t enjoy it. I don’t like doing three jobs at once, but I do like the money, though I have no idea for what I am saving up. But it’s good to save up. I take some pleasure in that. I will be glad when this semester is over—my spring schedule is slightly more under control (though I may teach one class at my other university. $5000 for one class—it’s hard to pass up that money). Students are driving me crazy with their unwillingness to take any responsibility. I have also been taking a course on being an online teacher. I suppose it’s the wave of the future, and it’s good to have on my cv, but I’m not convinced I’d be great at it. I like my office mate.

HEALTH: I am still compiling my list of things to ask the doctor about. I’ve purchased some extra insurance ($5000 booby prize if I get cancer) but it doesn’t go into effect until January 1 so I’m going to hold off on my doctor’s appointment til then (last year’s cancer scare was only resolved with “I don’t know exactly what it is but it’s not bad enough to warrant anything else right now; come back in a year” so I might as well wait. Mr Long Term was diagnosed with a skin cancer. This was very scary. He had some surgery and should be fine now. But it’s always weird when it comes close to home. My newest complaint is that occasionally a place on my foot gets hot like it’s burning (at first I kept thinking my computer was overheating at work and that’s what I was feeling through my shoe). Apparently there is a syndrome called “Burning Feet” but that seems to be more consistently hot. One day they’ll name a disease after me which has seemingly unrelated, minor symptoms which most people would excuse as hypochondria and/or the result of stress. In the future, when people get my symptoms, it’ll all seem so obvious and they’ll think back to the poor woman it was named after and feel amazed that the world was so ignorant to not have recognized the disease.

HOUSE: Four roses have bloomed in the last week. Odd as we’ve already had below 0C/32F weather. I am glad to come back to my house at night but it doesn’t feel like home.

HEAD AND HEART: No quick ones possible here.

SOMETHING FOR FUN: You can make word art out of any text or webpage by goingto          www.wordle.net. It takes the most frequently used words and builds a picture—you can choose colours, fonts, etc. Here’s one for this page: hmmm….wonder what my issues are?